How Do We Remain Connected in a Long term Relationship?

Real talk, is your current relationship the way it was when you first met? How many of you had to think about that answer? I’m not talking the way they’ve or you’ve changed physically, I mean the way you treat and are with each other. What makes it change and what do we need to do to stay connected? I’m not writing this from the perspective of a relationship expert…nope, just mental musings and thought processes…oh! And a mini rant!

Yea yea, I know…time passes, guards get let down and sometimes kids happen- all these impacts the way we are within our relationships. Like any relationship, people and things change, when you get to know someone, like REALLY know someone, there is a beauty in the openness, in the not having to explain yourself, because they get you. Despite that, we are all complex beings and the stage you are currently in your life, emotionally or spiritually may not be the same place your partner is; and what we need from our relationships at the beginning won’t be the same in the middle and will definitely not be the same if it comes to an end. But one of my biggest issues with being in a long-term relationship is the notion that you’ve found your person, so therefore you no longer have to make an effort with them anymore. You no longer need to continue “dating” or “wooing,” said person (whether married or not). We all recognize that any relationship takes work, time, commitment, communication and ACTUALLY spending time together. And I don’t mean conversations around kids and bills #adulting. Having continued shared interests allows you something to bond over, but also it builds a connection. I fully accept that for some people, they enjoy having alone time and do not need to be with their significant other at all times, and that’s fair enough. But they still find ways to reconnect when they do spend time together. For a long time, when I was younger I didn’t like a partner being too touchy-feely with me, it annoyed me because I enjoyed my own space, but maybe it was also because it made me feel too “vulnerable”. You can roll your eyes, I don’t get it either…but as I’ve gotten older; maybe since having my daughter, I’ve felt the need to seek out more affection. Saying I love you whenever the feeling hits, giving cuddles and lots of affection. Those, small and “unimportant” instances, I’ve come to realize are actually far more significant than many other things. We spend our days apart, working, in school, simply living our day to day, but the real beauty and value are in the “reconnecting” part.

I’ve always loved the quote,

The grass is greener, where you water it…

Seems simple enough. If you intend to remain with your partner, but you wouldn’t treat them the way you are now compared to when you were trying to win their affections, why continue with said treatment? How are you showing that you love them? After all, love is a verb, it’s an action. You can profess to love someone and tell them till you’re blue in the face, but if you do not SHOW that you care for and love them…how will they know? Do we believe that just being safe in the knowledge is good enough? I’m not suggesting we lead our romantic lives with a sense of fear, but we should be constantly trying to show and reaffirm our love to our partners. I’m not even talking about showering them with expensive gifts, it can be small acts of love. Cooking someone their fave meal, drawing them a bath, writing them a note is literally FREE and they probably would have a much more sentimental and bigger impact! Not saying imma turn away a purchased gift, but I don’t believe that life on the matters of love is over complicated. Life is tough as it is, who would it hurt to shower someone with love and appreciation?

Sometimes, I feel we get so wrapped up in ourselves and our lives and our feelings, that we don’t consider the other; I will accept that I am guilty of this. I’m so wrapped up in how I’m feeling and how unhappy I am, that if I just removed the blinders and took a step back and accessed how I can make it better, I would probably feel a lot better. A lot of the frustrations we feel in relationships is instinctively based on how it makes US feel. It’s reactive. He didn’t buy me something for our anniversary, I’m hurt. He didn’t pick up his dirty laundry, it annoys me. But if we want to see a change in ourselves and in our relationships and how we get treated within our relationships, we must be willing to make the change ourselves, within ourselves. Once that happens, our partners will see the change and meet us at that point or we’ll outgrow them, and as bad as that sounds, would it really be a bad thing? After all, we should all be in relationships with someone who meets and matches our urge to be better and do better.

At the end of the day, just like the above quote, I feel as if the love we want for ourselves, we need to also show and give to others, it’s the only way it’ll come back to us. What are some of the tips and tricks you use to remain connected in your relationship? Do you have rituals that you have maintained over the years? Reach out and help a couple sisters out!