Why I Am No Longer Scared Of Starting Over

Change, they say is inevitable. People change, the seasons change, time is always changing…but why is it so hard to take the leap and make a massive change in our lives? We’re unhappy about things, but we’d much rather complain, but do nothing about it. Then there’s the debilitating fear of the unknown, of having to begin again, show vulnerability and get back to the beginning in some respects. This blog post I will share my thoughts and feelings on why/how I have come to terms and accepted that starting over isn’t and can’t be all that bad. Read along with me on this very personal post.

This post isn’t a dig or a way to point fingers, it’s not even a way to address the complexity of the feelings I have been experiencing for the past few years and ultimately the decision I made a mere 3 months ago. Sitting in unhappiness is not a good thing, waking up and knowing or accepting a life you feel out of place from is disheartening to say the least. Although I’m a person who likes structure, organizing and planning, this isn’t something you can schedule in and then turn off. Especially when it’s a slow, creeping process of niggling feelings of sadness and unhappiness. Making the shift wasn’t something I was initially comfortable with, but then someone asked me a simple question and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was asked, “In 5 years, where do you see yourself and who is there with you?“, in that instant a rush of emotions came over me when the reality of how I was feeling hit me. I wasn’t happy. Through no one’s fault. I simply wasn’t happy. I hadn’t been happy for about 3 years, I had switched into fixer mode and never stopped to fix myself. I was a mother, a cook, a cleaner, organizer, planner and all round do-it-aller. I barely stopped to catch my breath and I definitely didn’t stop to ask for help. Who me? I don’t need anyone. #Sagittariuslife

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.

– Raymond Lindquist

But what was I going to do? How was I going to break the monotony of the routine to which I had gotten so very used to? How was I going to step out on my own after 13 years of being with the same person? Most of my life was spent in their comfort, there was a familiarity I wasn’t sure I was ready to give up. Worst yet, how was I going to break the news to the people closest to me, the people affected. How do you go about breaking the ties and connections 13 + years in the making?

But realistically what was I going to do? I had been sitting on my feelings for what seemed like 5 years, churning emotions, overthinking, trying to please other people, thinking about how I’d be letting them down and honestly just how unbelievably sad I was feeling. I had been living and for the most part enjoying many aspects of my life, except for my relationship with myself. The frustrations I felt internally were beginning to seep through into my everyday feelings, after writing a previous blog post, in which I had to dig deeper and really think about my feelings and what was triggering them. I couldn’t remain in the same situation, expecting my feelings to magically disappear or get better; something had to shift. As the year approached its end, I began to think about how I had spent it, did I remain true to myself? Did I accomplish the things I set out to do? But most of all, would I look back at my year and be happy with it? What I know for sure, is that I began to get more and more comfortable doing things on my own. It wasn’t easy, it made every fibre of my being tingle, but it was necessary for my own personal growth. Thinking about the fact that as my 35th year approached, where did I want to be? It was and is the right time to take the leap, I’m in a much better place within my self-confidence and simply knowing that I can do it on my own (I have already been doing it), so why not cut the umbilical cord? I decided that I had to love myself enough to leave, I owed it to myself to be not only happy but also receive the love I felt I was and could give.

What I’ve told myself is that if in 10 years Neveah were to ask my advice, what would I tell her if I spent the rest of my life in the permanent state of sadness, how helpful would I be to her? What example am I setting for her? How can I blog and preach about taking chances and living your life for you when I can’t take those chances for myself? I needed to confront my feelings and as bad as it felt- I needed to take the leap. I took the deepest breath and took the jump- trust that I am seeing the light.
How do you guys cope with tough times and change? Share with us your tips on coping with major life shifts.

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