Motherhood: Letting Go

They don’t tell you that all in all, motherhood a series of letting gos.

You carry another human being within you, do everything within your power to keep them inside, warm, safe and impenetrable.

Little do you know that it is all out of your hands.
Soon enough you’re being told they are to be evicted because the body you thought was their safe haven is crashing in on itself and can no longer continue to house them.

You take a deep breath and push them into the world, along with your hopes and dreams for them. As they exit your womb, in enters all your worries and fears.

Will you be good enough?

Do you have what it takes?

Are you up for all the sleepless nights?

The lonely hours without adult stimulation?

The isolation of being home with a baby?

You let it all go, a little human is relying on you for survival.

You let go of the life you previously had, because as much as things have not changed.
They have.
Maybe you can go out with the girls and have a couple glasses and laugh just like 9 months prior, but the truth is.
It’s different.
You’re the same, but everything is different,
Your mind is filled with questions about the tiny life you have left at home.

How are they?

Do they know you’re gone?

Should you even be here?

Is it too soon?

Can someone spot your leaking breasts?

The guilt creeps in…the doubts, the fears.

You let it all go…

You let go of the body you once had, which you were never a fan of prior, you now wish to be able to have the pre-baby body reflecting back at you.

The stretch marks on your stomach are proof of the life you housed, but it’s also a reminder of the reality of what will never be again.

“Tiger stripes” they call them, you run your hands across them and only feel a small sense of repulsion.

Breasts no longer your own, fighting the push and pull of simply being the warehouse things are taken from.

Milk.

Sleep.

Personal space.

Rest.

Letting it go….

With every milestone and every new discovery you realize they are becoming their own person,
Every step they take, is one more further away from you,
Into a world where you cannot fully protect them,

Full of their own personality, opinions, thoughts and dreams
With your influence, but entirely of their own fruition,
They talk back, shout NO and have frustrating tantrums,
Near breaking point, you remember the simpler times,
When they were merely a sleeping bundle in your arms,
We celebrate our mini me, we are changing, evolving, still questioning ourselves, but learning to be flexible.
There is a give and take to it all,
No specific rule for everyone, except love them unconditionally and nurture them,
Eventually, they fly the coup and you are left to marinate over past times,
You have let it go along the way, the idea that it could have been any different,
The fact that maybe, after all- you did a good job,

Motherhood is letting go of your ego and selfishness, learning and realizing that you haven’t yet learned it all.
Watching from the side lines as they live their lives and make the same mistakes you did,
Letting go…that it couldn’t have been another way….
You sit back and think about it all, this is it.
This is what motherhood teachers you the most,
This little person was sent for us to learn the greatest lesson we will ever learn.
That of unconditional love.

January 2020- R1

Reference: Illustration by BFF Print Shop