I know I’m not alone in saying this, but 14 months and counting of this pandemic has really, really, REALLY pushed my normally strong, optimistic mental health to the absolute edge! E-D-G-E! Knowing it’s understandable or that many people can relate hasn’t really made me feel all that great about. Reading countless blogs, articles and simply talking to my friends, I know I am not the only one, so this week on the blog, I thought I would be a bit more introspective and share with you my mental meltdowns, because for the most part- they’re completely irrational, but hear me out. Because sometimes sharing is caring and it reduces the pressure of the burden, even if it’s only temporary. Don’t leave me hanging and read along!
Choose, everyday to forgive yourself. You are human, flawed, and most of all worthy of love.
A couple of weeks ago, I had what I can only describe as my lowest week emotionally. To top it off, I wish I could tell you that something actually happened in order to trigger such an emotional outpouring, but nothing happened. Yes, I could blame it on my impending period, yes, I could blame it on the pandemic and the continual, seemingly never ending dread of this virus, yes, I could blame it on the pressures of being a single parent. But, if I’m being honest, it was none of that. I was just having a week, tears refused to stop or dry up, I knew what I was feeling was irrational and based on my constantly overthinking mind and the fact that I was making a mountain out of a mustard seed, but it didn’t stop me.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.– Gandhi
I have to admit, I am very blessed to have people I can talk to, who don’t shame or judge me. I can speak my irrational thoughts and they will steer me off the overthinking ledge I have built for myself. But I find the thing that really seems to upset me, is the fact that I tend to not know how to stop my mind from wandering and from essentially making up conclusions on things I don’t know. I am so very much impatient with the unknown. I like spontaneity, but I also love to have things to look forward to. And lately, I just keep feeling this impending void like I live in a vacuum and essentially no one cares about me. If I don’t reach out to others, no one sends me a text or gives me a call. The feeling like I am being needy is not one I enjoy and it genuinely makes me cringe at the thought. So maybe I seem like I have it all together and I’m not drawing on the outside, my house is clean, my bills are paid on time and my daughter is excelling at school- maybe I’m not the one who needs to be focused on because I appear to be juggling well. But the truth is- I’m not entirely sure of what I am doing. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job and at times I feel alone.
Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you are going to live your life.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to vomit all of my mental woes and not give you some kind of optimism!! What do you take me for?! 😱 What I have been doing religiously since Jan 1st ( which I’m very proud of myself for keeping up with it ) is write down a gratitude. Daily. Even on the 💩 days. More like especially on the 💩 days. As you can clearly tell and I’ve openly admitted- I am an overthinker and as part of that I play out all sorts of scenarios that haven’t occurred and often times do not occur. So having something to pull me back down into reality and into what I currently have and not all the possibilities- for me has been amazing. I genuinely believe this is one of the reasons I feel like I am in such a good place, because despite is ALL- I am blessed. Simply put. Yes, pennies maybe be counted on a monthly basis, yes, sometimes I have to space out splurges in order to pay for it, but I am privileged to be able to do so. Yes, being a single mother is HARD. But I would much rather be doing it alone than being unhappy in an unhealthy relationship. So- I choose to focus on the areas where I am clearly blessed.
Another thing that has kept me motivated and taken my mind from spiralling, has been to launch my own side hustle. Now I am at the very beginning stages, but I’ve been working diligently and testing smells/ colours and this has allowed me to be creative with an objective, especially because I love love candles- they are part of my self-care routine so it’s only fitting. But having a diversion and something I can tinker with and in some ways I don’t have to think too hard over- has really helped me. Needless to say, keep your eyes peeled.
I am aware this blog post verged on a little random, but I must say, it was cathartic for me to get it off my chest, but also sometimes when you sit down to think about something it gives you perspective and that’s what I hope it does for you. Life is tough, hell it can be super unfair, but despite all of its negatives, there is always something good that can be taken from it. It’s all in how you choose to look at it.