Breaking Patterns

I’ll start off by saying, I never wanted to be a single mother (I’m sure not many people do), I always thought that when my time for motherhood would come about, I would be settled and in a long term and long lasting relationship. Yet, somehow in my core, I kind of knew I would be doing it alone or that I at least would have to rely on myself. Maybe it’s because I have always been fiercely independent or because I typically just get on with doing what needs to be done. After all, I learned from the best, our mother. That being said, my life in some odd way has tended to follow my mother’s in some weird trippy version of sliding doors; so though it was devastating to essentially be starting my life over, ending a 15+ years relationship, at my core I knew I would be alright- I grew up with the blueprint. This did not mean it didn’t sting a lot though, because for all intents and purposes, society still idolizes and pushes the idea of a nuclear family as being the template. So, to be quite honest, I felt like a failure and if you know me, then you know that it’s hard for me to swallow.

Do it for you.

Seeing our mother living her life and moving forward as a single parent and making decisions and choices for herself, not wallowing in self-pity or waiting for a man to do it for her was one of the driving forces for us to focus and find our own happiness. But that being said, sometimes you do just want to wallow, you do want to fall apart and not have it all together- sometimes it feels easier. But, my desire to be better than I was the day before is so strong sometimes it’s painful. I can be my worst critic, I want someone to be proud of me, I want to be an inspiration. Maybe it stems from my deep desire to be liked, or to be seen, but I just want to know that I mattered to someone.

If you didn’t come from a healthy family, make sure the healthy family comes from you.

Let me be perfectly honest, growing up, I loved the television show The Gilmore Girls, but I never wanted to become them. I know, it’s a completely irrational fear, but I don’t want my life to become consumed by all things motherhood or all things my daughter. It doesn’t take away from my love for her, it’s just that I really do not want to lose myself in the pursuit of being a good mother. In some ways the main character was so consumed with being her daughter’s friend, that it conflicted with her being Rory’s mother- their biggest conflicts throughout were over towing the line between friendship/motherhood. One thing our mother has taught us, is that you are never too old to learn something new and parenting is an ever evolving phenomenon. As much as you think you are the one doing the teaching, the truth of the matter is, you do a lot of the learning; about yourself, about your triggers, about your weaknesses and about your truest self.

If there’s anything I could say parenting has taught me, is the fact that I am always learning, but most of it is about myself- learning how I cope with situations, how I cope with my daughter’s emotions and how the cocktail mix is a WHOLE lot of emotions, but at the end of the day- it’s also lessons on how to deal with human emotions. How we love hard, but we also forgive and we heal.

2 responses to “Breaking Patterns”

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