I feel like I am always beginning posts with disclaimers, but if one ever needed one- it’s this one. I will start off by saying I am in no way done with making mistakes in general or dating related. In fact I am very much a newbie when it comes to dating and opening up the dark chamber that is my heart to the idea of finding love again. That being said, I’ve already learnt so much about myself and in some ways I have also already messed it up.
Coming out of a long term relationship will change you, some for the bad, but mostly more for the good, we hope. Not all of that changing is a bad thing, in fact it’s indicative of a good relationship that you both change and evolve and your commitment to them also follows suit. This person knows you most out of anyone in the world, your quirks, your loves and your flaws. But sometimes things don’t end like the fairytales and the years pass and you find yourself single and open for love again, only what’s left are mountains of self doubt. Will someone ever love me? What if I’m the problem? Am I unlovable? Will I be single forever? Is love completely over dramatized and over romanticized? In my moments of doubt, and I have many, I genuinely wonder if I will ever be lucky enough to find long lasting love again.
Aging and on the back of a failed relationship, I have learnt that not being my true self, flaws and all; being scared to disagree or fully share my opinion for fear of upsetting someone. Especially if I like them a lot, wanting to avoid conflict ( because who likes conflict, anyways? ). But what I never realized was that in fact, I was lying to myself. Hiding or covering up parts of myself for fear of upsetting, I am in the end I am also being dishonest. How can I expect someone to love me, all of me, when I am choosing to keep parts of it hidden? If said person doesn’t love the ugly parts of me, then are they really worth my time? Believing that no conflict was a good thing and that it meant you had a good relationship is a failed construct. It meant I was avoiding things in order to give myself the false impression I was truly happy. Adding to that, I also need to fully know what it is I am looking for and release anyone who doesn’t fit the bill. Remaining with someone out of comfort or because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, is worst in the long run. It is also another example of me not remaining true to who I am.
People ask me, “why are you single? You’re attractive, intelligent and creative.” My reply is, “ I’m over qualified”
Another thing I realized was that I sought outward things to make me happy, I depended on partners for it and in turn if they couldn’t deliver I would illicit blame. I would plan my days or weekends around their schedule, never doing things for myself or without them and in turn when I was ultimately let down, I was left alone and bitter. Planning my time and day around them and then being dropped at the last minute, leaving me disappointed. This cycled continued until the bitterness took over, but the reality was I was doing this to myself- not the other way around. I couldn’t use being with someone as a reason to not go out and actually LIVE my own life, I was doing it the wrong way around. I have to live my life for me and whomever this special person is- they will fit into my life. I’m not saying I won’t be making allowances, but simply sitting at home and ultimately becoming a vegetable wasn’t me at my best either.
You deserve someone who is terrified to lose you.r.h. Sin
We often hear about being selfish and usually it has a negative association, but the fact of the matter is, in order to be happy you have to choose to be selfish in some way. You have to choose you. You have to prioritize you. You have to love you. I spent a lot of my time giving of myself, always being available, not setting clear boundaries or continually pushing the goal post back on them. I wasn’t being selfish enough, I was always thinking and giving to others when I was merely an option to them. Giving in when it didn’t sit comfortably with me, but also always worrying about what they would think of me otherwise. Allowing my emotions and feelings to give so much more of myself, my time and my attention. This may sound conceited, but I am a catch, I have many things to offer; I feel my value increasing. I am not talking about my looks here, I mean for my time, my intellect, my creativity, my energy, my affection and my love. What I am looking for is: communication, commitment, consistency. I cannot allow access to myself to just anyone; from now on those are my terms and I aim to keep to them rigidly.