My Toxic Traits

Dating profiles; are nonsense- they’re meant to be quick, catchy, show a slice of your personality and if you’re lucky you come off a slither interesting. But it got me thinking ( typically ) what if we wrote about the not so attractive parts of ourselves? What if we skipped past the typical conversation points we always mention and go straight to the nitty gritty. So! I decided to dig deep, this week on the blog, I explore my own toxic traits- have a read!

We fall in love with people’s flaws; the perfect person would be impossible to love.

J. Strelou

I suppose I should come clean over the fact that these traits have not been revealed to me, they are merely the negative traits I see in myself and feel hinder me in some way. I have done a lot of soul searching and introspection, as many of us have over the past 2 COVID years and it’s gotten me thinking a lot about some of the ways I might have sabotaged my own relationships. I have always felt the need to not follow convention and though it has lead me to experience many, many awesome things, I have also taken the tact of avoiding vulnerability. I chose to put my emotions in a box and avoid feeling deep things altogether. 100% out of fear and the worry that I wouldn’t be truly loved for who I was deep down. Maybe because I have always been a bit more of the free-spirited one out of our bunch…needless to say, my biggest toxic trait is the fact that I struggle to trust and let people in and get to know the real Rekeisha. I can talk to most people about a variety of subjects, I come across very sociable and chatty, but the fact of the matter is- it’s a cover. I can tell you anything you want to know surface level, but I struggle with sharing my deepest feelings. I can write about them all day, I can share them in a blog post to “faceless” people on the internet I will never meet, but to speak it out loud 🥴. To say it to the person I am having these feelings for, is gut wrenching. To share my deepest life experiences with someone I trust, shuts me down. I genuinely feel a deeply rooted fear of not being good enough and my protectionist instinct kicks in, sometimes I think the worst and I fully self-sabotage. Adding this to my overthinking mind and I always think I am at fault or to blame for whatever the incident may be. I have seen it time and time again. And sometimes I try to stop myself but it’s almost inevitable. Flight mode is fully engaged. But what I have come to realize and accept, is that you cannot allow someone in, if you aren’t willing to pull some of those walls down. You cannot ask someone to love all of the parts of you, if you are too scared to show all of you, because in the end they love an idea or a projection and not the true reality of you. I’ve realized that I am lying to myself if I believe being easy going, “chill” and non-compliant makes me a much more appealing prospect. In fact it’s the very opposite, people can see right through it. Presenting the version of yourself you believe to be the best is fake. I can’t do that to myself.

Normalize acknowledging your own toxic traits and striving to correct them.

Being impatient, is another one of my toxic traits, I don’t like waiting for things to develop, and in some ways I tend to jump to the next stage ( whatever that is ) and almost fast forward relationships all because I want to skip past any loose ends, surprises or question marks I might have. Think, throwing it up against the wall and whatever sticks- presto!, we have a winner. Of course, I’m being sarcastic in a way, but I want a drama free, simple relationship, I just am not patient for it to get there- tell me if that makes any sense, because I do know that it doesn’t. I don’t know when this all changed for me, maybe it was becoming single in my mid 30’s, I suddenly felt the impending doom of being irrelevant, old and not as attractive. So, I suppose forcing the issue felt like a visceral reaction to that. Or the fact that a single woman in her 30’s isn’t deemed as attractive or appealing in our society, no matter what they try to tell you. Add to that being a single mother and it’s 100% pity mode engaged, I have felt it and in some not so subtle ways, I have been told it. Maybe it’s my cross to bear, but I just never expected all of these feels attached to it. I am working through enjoying all of the little moments in the in-between. Finding little moments of joy in the small things, working on slowing things down in my head.

Fear Of Being Alone – Now, I don’t mean this in the full way it’s been titled, I am not filling my space or time with any person just to avoid being alone- no matter what/how it may appear to others. But, I would also be lying if I said that I didn’t want to find that special someone, I think most people want that for themselves. I am not exempt. We consume so much content about love and its pursuit, so why not me? But as I am almost 6 months away from 38, I yes, cringe, but I am also feeling a sense of sadness if I were to pass another birthday alone ( this might be a whole other blog post ). I know I’m being dramatic, trust me, I’m considering slapping myself as I type this, but I am also being honest. I don’t want to see my self 5/10/15 years from now- alone. What would be the harm in that? Nothing I suppose, because ain’t nothing you can do about it, but I feel like it would feel like a loss in my life. All that to say, no I do not need a man, no I don’t need someone else to make me feel whole or complete or whatever else cliche, but yes, I would love to have someone to share my life with. Yes, I wonder why not me? Yes, I want to travel and make memories with another human I am in love with. I don’t think that makes me low key vomit inducing, does it? OK, maybe a little bit.

Overthinking – I’ve definitely blogged about this on many occasions, but the biggest issue is the fact that I overthink literally most things. I spend so much of my time thinking about every possible outcome. It definitely can feel like it gives me a sense of control, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t have control. My mind spirals and that’s never good. I want things to work out, I want to consider everyone, I don’t want anyone to be left out or feel left out. And maybe that’s also not healthy because at the end of the day I cannot account for everything, most importantly I can’t make everyone happy. I know this, yet deep down it’s what I strive for. I know, it’s the empath in me and I know that in most situations it’s a good thing, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming and fighting the balance between your head and heart is a constant juggling act and on my down days I feel like I’m threading water.