I will admit that the title of this blog post is somewhat misleading, mainly in the fact that I am in fact NOT navigating this very well at all and merely seek to sort out my thoughts and give myself ways of not feeling too overwhelmed with the task. That being said, I have been feeling aged and pressed for time lately, not sure if it’s because of the increasing feeling of 38 approaching and I feel like I have nothing to show for it, but I’ve begun to feel woeful. So, this week on the blog, I clear up some thoughts on what I feel might be a mini mid life assessment; share your thoughts if you’re feeling the same way.
I am fully aware that it may come off as low key dramatic calling what I am feeling a mid life crisis, but for the purpose of dramatics, I don’t have a better name for it. In this context, it works, so here we are! Back in March, I published a blog post about how my self-doubt and imposter syndrome was getting the best of me, and as much as writing the post allowed me to get things off my chest. It allowed me to clear my thoughts in many ways, but it was not a magical switch in which I was able to completely turn things around for myself mentally. In fact what it did do, was make me ask myself much deeper questions and it’s brought me here. Wondering what am I doing with my life? What is the dream/goal and why am I not actively pursing it? And as much as I can say it may be money, the biggest reason, is fear. Fear of failure, fear that it won’t be right and fear that I’ll look stupid while doing it. But I suppose one question I never seem to ask myself is what if I never do it? Do I really want to be working 9-5 in an office, for someone to grade my work and give me a paycheque which at the moment as a single parent on a single income, is becoming increasingly difficult to manage? Quick answer is no. What would I be doing with my life if money wasn’t an object and the reply would be that I would be creating. Some way, shape or form, I would be creating something. Be it through words, images or a physical item. Creation and creativity has always been in my blood, I would simply love to be paid for it. I am beginning to feel like I am somehow running out of time, like I am somehow wasting my time working in a job which if I am being honest is fulfilling me less and less. I want more, I want more adventure, I want to see the world, I want to immerse myself in cultures I am not usually exposed to. I want to make memories and have adventures. This paying bills and going to work for someone else to be able to go on vacations in beautiful locations, is not the life I want to continue to lead.
Girl, do it for you.
Tidying Up My Finances
My target toward financial freedom is something I am thinking about constantly. Maybe it’s because of having to actively count pennies more frequently because of the increasing cost of living on this rotating rock. While working on the post on the things I wish I had known sooner when it came to money, really got me thinking on a much deeper level and holding myself accountable. It’s one thing to want to go off and live a hippie life, but at the end of the day, we live in a consumeristic society, I can’t survive on love and appreciation- money/funds will need to be saved up and money will most certainly need to be spent in order to simply survive. So, I am trying to be educated about it, I’m trying to build my knowledge, trying to be brave when it comes to looking at the numbers. But I am also actively seeking ways, in which I can build income for my little family and I, but also in order for me to lead a life towards financial freedom and security. I do realize though that this is somewhat the very opposite of what a mid life crisis might be as in my mind- typically you would be spending and not saving, but no one said there were rules.
Feeling the Feels
A lot of the times, I am quick to try to shut my brain off, because in many ways, I know it can sometimes lead to me spiralling and overthinking things, but, it’s not always a bad thing per se. I am working on allowing myself to feel the way I am feeling, not to shut it out or to ignore it and to definitely not suppress it. Feel it, try to understand it, don’t over analyze it and simply let it be what it is. Not every issue needs to be solved or addressed in the short term. Maybe they require more thought or maybe it can simply be just as it is in the moment. I think it’s perfectly normal to be trying to assess your life and to be searching to see if your are truly happy, if this is really the path you want to be taking. And in someways, I think it’s healthy to be yearning for something different, not in the grass feels greener somewhere else style, but simply in the way that you are trying to figure things out. I don’t see that as a bad thing. I in no way want it to become an obsession and of course eventually you should take the steps in order to feel more fulfilled, but by no means is it a fix all- at some point past the feelings, you actually need to do something. Cue, the next point…
Talk to yourself like someone you love.Brene Brown
Going For It.
From my perspective one of the main reasons, I am reluctant to do anything, is the fact that I fear it will not work, which are the same worries others have. But being a perfectionist doesn’t help me out, because I spend a lot of my time on negative self talking and in many ways self-sabotaging. There are many things I enjoy doing and trying my hand at and I don’t see why I have to simply stop at 1 or 2. Why can’t I be good at all things? An author, a photographer, a content creator/blogger, and an artisan? Who made the rules and why can’t I shatter them? I want to be brave enough to simply take a deep breath and go for it. I don’t want to worry about money, I don’t want to worry about failure, I don’t want to worry about what someone will think, I simply want to follow my heart. Sounds super hippie dippie and in some way it is, but I genuinely want to live a simple life, pursuing my passions sustainably, I just wish I was able to turn the fear off. But, I am working on simply taking the leap, it still needs to be calculated, because you know- I have another human to keep alive, but I am actively working on taking a deep breath and simply going for it. Working on that book, pushing towards publishing it, creating, crafting and just doing the things I enjoy and fully blocking out the options or thoughts of others.
So, the fact of the matter is, as I write this blog post, I’m not entirely sure I am “navigating” my feelings to be fair. I know that I am feeling it all. I am doing a lot of thinking and sitting in my feelings, be it good or bad. I know that I am probably going through some sort of emotional transition, but at the end of the day, I know how I am feeling will not be permanent; not saying I don’t want to continue to work towards my goals. What I mean is the weight I seem to be carrying over it all, seems heavy at the moment and this I feel won’t always be the case. Life is hella emo and lately I have felt like it’s been 2 years of just being attacked from all sides, I think I am feeling the whiplash of it all.