Heartache is a part of life. We all know this, it can be so painful it can feel debilitating. Sometimes that heartbreak can help to lead us to a new path or beginning, but at it’s worst it can feel like you will never get past it. So this week on the blog I share why I will be shelving my heart away for the time being and why.
My wall is now 30 feet high, 2 feet thick and rigged with explosives. Good luck to anyone trying to tear that one down.
No, no. For my optimists out there, this post is NOT for you. Don’t get all excited, thinking I have something wonderful to share. I don’t. And, I won’t either, not for a little while. I think I am just tired out from people who don’t seem capable to properly communicate. Even more tired of being open, optimistic and excited to connect with someone. Beginning to trust them, actively working on my reluctance to vulnerability, only for them to simply ghost. Like how in 2022, are “fully grown” men ghosting? Like you can’t sit someone down and tell then your feelings or lack there of? Communicating somehow becomes non-existent when it was so constant before? You simply choose to not engage? After 3 months? I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore. And at the end of the day the common denominator is me. Simply put. So, there must be something I am doing wrong. Must be something wrong with me. So, I’m taking a time out, retiring from the game, because the rules are whack and the players throw tantrums ( maybe this blog post is a tantrum as well, at this point ).
No response, is a response. It’s a powerful one. Remember that.
But the fact of the matter is, yes, I am hurt and that is one of my main drivers for this blog post, but at the end of the day- I feel as if the risk of a broken heart is not worth it. I know that. It comes from a place where my feelings are still raw and I may not necessarily be in a place where I can be objective. Then again, when it comes to matters of the heart, is that even remotely possible? I don’t think I asked for too much: commitment, communication, consistency. I feel as if I naively thought I knew what I was getting myself into, when it comes to the dating pool, but the truth is my heart most definitely has taken a few hits and maybe in some ways I do need to retire it. I don’t want to be damaged or still processing things if I ever decide to get back out there, so I feel as if the need for me to remain away and simply by my self is important. I’m not sure I will find someone ( yes, being pessimistic at the mo ), I am far too battered, too much of an over-thinker, maybe even too much of a hopeless romantic and I give of myself far too much. I’m not sure the climate is really for us.
EDIT: I think it’s only fair to add that I began this blog post about 1.5 months ago and was in a completely different headspace at the time. While I don’t entirely feel the same way, I am still sticking to keeping my heart unreadable for the moment. I need to be selfish in this case and I won’t apologize for it. Access to that part of me is VIPs only and in this case, no one is worthy so I won’t invest the time and I will work on the things which bring me joy and will push my finances to a higher level. My/Our business Maple & Nutmeg Candles and Co is my focus and if anyone wants to take some of my time, they will have to work hard for it. And I mean triple diamond levels of hard and I am at peace with that.