What Being Ghosted Has Taught Me

We’ve all been there, whether it’s the loss of a job or failing to get into the course you have been dreaming about. Rejection, in some way, shape or form is a part of life- in many ways, it will mark us. But this post is about matters of the heart. So this week, I share some of the things I have learnt when it comes to being ghosted, because let me tell you, it’s happened to me far too many times. Have a read.

It Is Gonna Hurt…

The last two years, I feel like I have put myself back out into the dating shark infested pool and to be honest, sitting on the safety of the shores, I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out. I know that I should be optimistic and remain patient, but the truth of the matter is my head is spinning and my heart is most definitely bruised. Feeling like I am not an interesting or appealing enough person to remain connected to. Like I am that disposable. The memories, the laughs, the shared connection wasn’t valued enough to stay but also to warrant you an explanation. Though I am usually a very optimistic person, this is the one subject where I found myself unable to shake the feeling. The feeling seems so much more acute when someone does this to you after months of dating. So yea, it’s going to sting and maybe for a while and it will creep up on you at the most random moments. I caught myself in the bathroom mirror the other day and I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two- I just needed to get myself together and shake it off. For me, and the way my brain operates, I genuinely can think of endless reasons of things which can go wrong, so having something that isn’t finite in my mind is destructive. But, feel your feelings, you obviously liked this person right? So yes, it’s not a nice feeling, but like everything else, life does and will go on. The most I can tell you to do, is to acknowledge the feelings, but also keep walking forward and move along. I can almost guarantee they are not shedding tears over you ( I do not mean this in a harsh way ), so don’t shed or spend too much time on them.

The way they leave tells you everythihng

It’s Not You, It’s Them…

You will question your worth or what you did wrong, trust me- I am neck deep in these thoughts. Churning over one misstep or rethinking behaviours. Is there something about me that puts people off, am I unlovable? Do I not have enough to offer, am I unattractive? The list is long, because of an overthinking mind, but truth be told and I know this at my core, it’s just hard to see and believe it at the time. It’s not you. It definitely isn’t you. Everyone has their journey and their own internal dialogue, be that of self-doubt or anxiety and sometimes that voice gets much louder. Because someone isn’t able to fully communicate that, are too scared or simply are too overwhelmed with their thoughts, they don’t think about you. I’m not claiming that every person who literally evaporates does it because their going through something, but often times people just get wrapped up in their lives, and then too much time has elapsed where they do not believe it’s worth going back to dot “I”s and cross “T”s. One of the odd things is that if you continue to text and are continually ignored, chasing after that communication will only make them retreat more. It’s pretty much counterintuitive and realistically it makes you look desperate and let’s face it- that’s something I want to stay well away from. It sucks, but that’s the way things are nowadays. Curtesy is important, but it’s not valued by everyone.

I don’t miss him, I just miss who I thought he was…

Their Silence Is An Answer

Trust me on this one, as much as you are looking or seeking for some grand explanation or an ah moment, what you need to know is that their silence is in fact an actual answer. Don’t bother digging, rethinking convos or even blowing up their phones. Their retreat, lack of communication or unwillingness to engage is essentially a reply. You would like to think that most adults have the emotional maturity to want and desire communication. This is not the case for everyone, communicating can be uncomfortable but it’s necessary in order to build a healthy long lasting relationship. If this person does not have this skill set, I don’t think it’s worth extending much more of your time trying to enforce it or trying to explain to them why it’s important or valuable to you. If someone wants to be with you, they will make the effort. If somebody wants to speak to you, they will make the effort to do so. If someone wants to be in your life, in any sort of capacity they will make the necessary steps in order to achieve that, no matter how busy or turbulent their life is in that moment. It’s as simple as communicating our feelings; we are all in fact adults right? All of that to say, do not chase after someone, the things that are meant to cross your paths, the people that are meant to be in your life will be in your life because they also equally reciprocate the energy and the effort that you were also putting in, if it is one-sided it will not last, if it is disingenuous it will not last, so don’t chase after anyone. No matter how amazing they pretended to be.

One thing’s for sure, no two people are alike and it is definitely not fair to make general statements about a whole group of people, because we are pretty complex. All that to say, people will make decisions which they believe is best for them. It may not factor you into the equation, but at the end of the day they can only live how they see fit. So, though it hurts and it is disappointing- their disappearing act has saved you from investing more of your precious time on someone who doesn’t deserve it or isn’t ready to receive it. Move on and walk away, if they do come out of the wood works, that’s a whole other convo- but the fact of the matter is, you want someone who wants you. You want someone who will match your effort, because if not- you may not know it yet, but their ghosting will turn into a blessing.