Social media can have some interesting names to coin certain terms and sometimes they can be catchy without content, but when I stumbled across the #softgirlseason I instantly related. So, this week on the blog, I share how I am fully embracing and stepping into this season of my life. Have a read and see if you might be blossoming into said season as well.
I have to admit for a long time, I felt like I needed to be strong one in many situations, pushing aside my own worries and fears in order to get things done. This was one of the main reasons I feel like my long term relationship didn’t work out, I did too much in the relationship and in some ways I outgrew him. That being said, I was so used to tapping into my “masculine” energy that I almost didn’t recognize that it was harming me in some ways. This isn’t to say that having a “masculine” energy is wrong or unhealthy, but more to explore the complexities of always being the one who manages it all. The pressure of keeping all of the adulting things all together and with a levelled balance on our emotions, is a lot to handle at all times.
If I can allow myself to be positive about something I have learnt about myself through beginning to date again, is the fact that I have realized that this strong, independent, Sagittarius simply wants someone to take care of her for a change. The feeling or idea of someone looking after me, paying for things, opening doors, checking in on my well-being and having me sit back while they managed a role I have dominated for so many years, was foreign to me. I would be lying if I said that I accepted it freely, but over time I realized 1) if this is their love language I need to be here for it 2) I deserve this. For years it felt like I was pushing back against this desire, because if you truly need someone this is in and of itself a weakness and an opportunity for someone to hurt you. Digging deep and doing some internal work, I believe I felt I didn’t deserve to be treated well, like I needed to earn every small/kind gesture. But I have learned that I too am worthy of not only love, but a love that will nurture and love on me. The kind that says- sit down, I’ve got you, rest a little, it’s my turn now. This is the love I am seeking, the grounding, transformational kind, the one which pours into me as I pour into them. Somewhere I can put my guard down and feel safe, welcomed and unconditionally loved. I have less and less interest in being the fighter, in being the one who is pushing or working hard to receive affection. If it’s not flowing to me, then I don’t want it, if it’s not easy in my soul, then I don’t want it, if you’re not going to add to my life, then I don’t want it.
I realized that the attempt to be everything for everyone was me trying to people please and in turn it was making me into a bitter person, I didn’t know who I really was because I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. Almost as a way to overcompensate for something I felt I was lacking, not anymore. Decisions will be made for myself, by myself. If it’s not something that supports peace, then I don’t want it. I will be acknowledging my feelings, taking them as they are and not shaming myself or being too hard on myself for having them. I will feel all of the feels and recognize that they are merely passing through. I will know my limits and ask for help if needed. I will also accept that I will not be for everyone and I also do not need to try, I simply need to be. The people or things which are meant to be in my world, as small as it may be, it will be wholesome and it will be authentic. I am looking for someone to love on me, to support and encourage me, who pushes me to be a better version of myself- a love which upgrades me. I won’t be fighting people or things. If it means I will be engaging in more self care then so be it- if it means I will be sat at home, safe but alone then so be it. If it brings me mental peace that is merely what I seek. I won’t be entertaining anything less and if it’s not sitting right for someone else then the door will be shown without judgement. I should note that I in no way intend to be rude, I am simply reinforcing my boundaries hard. Because I feel happy and mentally in a good place and I want it to remain this way.