I think most single people will tell you that dating in 2022 is one tough exercise, people were complex back in 2009, now add social anxieties, ghosting, lack of communication, it feels like less and less people are actually willing to genuinely court someone. While doing some of my own self-reflection, I came across an article on abandonment anxiety and it struck a cord, so this week on the blog, we discuss the ways in which I an working on reducing negative attachments when it comes to abandonment anxiety, have a read and let me know I’m not alone.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Full on confession time, while I was browsing Pinterest, adding to my 100’s of boards ( I wish I was kidding ), I can across a post ( below ) and it instantly resonated with me, to the point where I began to cry. This legit described how I was/am feeling; it’s safe to say that I was shook because I felt seen. I’ve been trying to approach dating differently lately and trying to not snowball situations or making them more meaningful or bigger in my head than they really are. I am also trying to take more responsibility and ownership for my emotions and not shame myself for having them or for being the way I am. Part of stepping into Soft Girl Season, as mentioned in our previous post- is not fighting against parts of ourselves. I realized I want to be cared for, nurtured, and looked after; despite my confidence and independence, I would love to be romanced and for someone to pour into me. For many years, I didn’t want to admit this, because I felt it gave me a weakness, if I let someone some close, it meant they could do some damage, but what I have learnt is that I am doing the damage to myself by not having or reinforcing my boundaries.
the right people stay
Understand Your Triggers
I am an overthinker and in some ways that’s because I don’t want to be blindsided by things, so I try to prepare for the best and worst cases, but sometimes when someone doesn’t communicate well, the spaces in-between allows me to fill in the blanks with all sorts of random things. Most revolve around me finding fault in something I might have said previously or wondering if they really don’t like me or were just tolerating my presence and so forth. I take the silences or the breaks in communication to mean I’ve done something wrong and this genuinely gets me down. Trying to piece together alls sorts of reasons why someone wouldn’t like me enough to message back, or to reach out to me or to continue to see me. But what I have begun to realize is that even if someone cannot actually see my worth, it doesn’t diminish it; and realistically they don’t deserve my time. I don’t mean this in any way to be disrespectful, merely a reinforcement of my boundaries and trying to reduce having my time being wasted. Knowing what triggers my overthinking has helped me to self-talk and in some ways it has allowed me to mentally compartmentalize my thoughts.
You know who will give you everything?
Invest What is Invested in You
Some of the reasons we form unhealthy or non-lasting attachments, is because we don’t quite enforce our boundaries and we give to others much more than we should. I know I wrote the post on Reasons Why I Am Retiring My Heart, in jest, but some of the reasons I felt that way was because I was giving away too much of my time and energy to people who didn’t value it. It could be said that I didn’t communicate its value enough ( but that’s for the next point ). In some cases, I stayed awake longer or rearranged my schedule, drove further, spent money I didn’t have- all as a means to show my interest/dedication and willingness. Because who doesn’t want to be willing? Don’t get me wrong, some of these things are important, but it should never be 1-sided. We get so caught up in the rush of all things hormones, we don’t pump the breaks and really ask ourselves the real reasons why we are doing this? If it’s to be liked or you are compromising who you are, then we’re doing it for the wrong reasons. The fact of the matter is, if someone isn’t showing you how much they’re interested in you and you are making most to all of the effort then it will not pay any dividends. In my case, this was not reciprocated very often and in some cases, not at all. I was always doing most of the work and when I began to stop doing the giving, I was left empty-handed, so it meant I was the one breathing life into the relationship- it wasn’t a team effort, which most definitely isn’t what anyone wants.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Part of the reason you might have spiralling thoughts, is because you may not be communicating your needs well enough or you aren’t with someone who is doing the same. This makes your wrongly fill in your thoughts with things that do not serve you, but also things that are not based on any sort of fact. This is why it’s important to communicate, with yourself and with the people you date. We all know and accept that communication is a pillar in any good, stable, long lasting relationship, you need to be able to share your thoughts, even if they are irrational and you need to be able to know that you have a safe space to do so. One of the main things, I have found is, if you are able to communicate your needs, then the right person will be able to communicate back to you and this will ensure you are both on the same page. For myself, I can’t stress this enough, being able to talk to someone, build trust and eventually have a level of understanding and ultimately lays the foundation to something more meaningful.