Have you ever felt like you were dealing with a jumble of emotions? Like you were happy one moment, and sad the next? I have come to realize that dealing with the hurt while learning to grow is a part of life. Read on and see just what I mean.
Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud…
While writing the “soft girl season” blog post, I realized an interesting trichotomy; the fact that I am happy, but I’m still hurting in some ways and I am also in the continual process of healing. What an actual mind game, huh? We are all walking symbols of the trauma and life altering milestones we have lived through and even though they might be things of the past, it doesn’t mean we don’t still carry it with us.
We were under the same sky.
I cannot reiterate this enough, I am happy. I say it not as a way to brag or to show off, but simply as a statement. My life is good, I am safe and I am fed. I feel more and more like I am becoming a better version of myself and in some ways, it feels like I finally feel like I am deserving. I feel ready and able to make demands and stand in my power to receive them. I sit back and look around at my space and I can smile to myself because I did this. With my squad who helped me get here, but I did this. I got a few knocks this year, especially romantically, but at the end of the day, I know it’s for the best because I know what I bring to the table. I am only returning the energy which matches mine, low effort will sow low/no effort. I am only pursuing people or things which feed into me and encourage and support me. I am actively doing this for myself, looking at how far I have come and congratulating my own progress. I am proud of her, because I know the pain she felt, I understand the feelings of vulnerability it took to get here and to not give up hope, but to simply look inward and realize/relearn that I had all that I need. If someone else doesn’t see it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Like I mentioned above, everyone carries around a lot of mental baggage, those we cannot get rid of or completely wipe out of our memories. They shape us, the good and the bad and unfortunately as much as we would probably not want to admit, the heartbreak, the betrayal and all that is in between are important. It has left a trail, whether we like it or not, carrying around all of the weight of others’ expectations along with the suggestions on how we should be, dress, behave or exist is heavy. I feel like this year especially, I have spent so much time performing mental autopsies on the reasons why certain relationships didn’t turn out like they “should have”. Shedding tear for people who do/did not have my well-being in mind or simply what negative contribution I might have inputted. Reliving certain pains or wondering why someone would make affirmations they never intended to keep or would make the decision to “ghost” as opposed to coming clean about their true feelings and having my blessing to leave. I have churned WAY too many conversations in my head, I would have a delish butter by now, made from the tears of a broken heart. Overthinking reasons why I might not have been good enough, when the truth of the matter is, I am enough, they couldn’t see it, which in turn means they aren’t the ones for me.
A smooth sea, never made a skilled sailor.
Recognizing that they actually did me a favour, it made me resilient, but it also made me realize that I can have a list of requirements and I also deserve to have a good, steady man in my life. Working on myself for myself, I feel like I have probably said this many many times, but the truth of the matter is that I was probably going through the motions, whereas now, now I can step back and realize that it has nothing to do with me. Funnily, being single has made me feel much happier within myself.