It’s the season of ghosts and ghouls and in many ways there are loads of them when it comes to dating in 2022! You see what I did there? This week on the blog, R1’s sharing some of the dating myths she has found to be just that, a MYTH. Have a read and do share if you have felt some of the same things.
You Don’t Need To Be Liked By Everyone
Not everyone is for you and this goes the same for friendships, as it does relationships. We’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that is perfectly fine. You do not need to alter parts of yourself in order to make yourself more attractive to someone. That isn’t the goal, the goal is for someone to fall in love with us and all that we have to offer. Flaws and frustrations and all. This makes us who we are, why hide it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing to want to be liked, I fully understand it. But what I found was that I was spending too much of my time trying to be the person I felt I needed to be for someone else and in the end I ended up feeling resentful, even if this was never overtly stated. Your sense of self will change and that in and of itself is never a good thing. I can only work on being my best self, I have stopped trying to figure people out, stopped trying to deeply understand the reasons why things don’t work out etc. I am who I am and to be fair, I refuse to excuse myself of any of that because at the very end of the day, what I will remain is myself.
Know What You Want
If you know me, then you know that I am a list person, nothing brings me more joy than to be able to cross something off of a list and make me feel like I have accomplished something. That being said, this is the one department when I don’t fully have a set of locked in traits that I MUST have. I know that I would like someone I can laugh with, someone who will support me, someone who will challenge me, someone who is compassionate, has their own hobbies, likes and taste. Someone who has a good relationship with their family, if the case may be, a good parent. Open to learning, loves travel and will love me as per my love language. But I am also aware that these are sort of general attributes and not something particularly set in stone. I know that I have still left space for spontaneity and for someone or something to surprise me, which is why I have general, possibly baseline traits. I mean, everyone should aim to be those things and more right?
Somewhere, someone is searching for you in everyone they meet.Deanna Cobden
I think it’s important to say how you feel, as much as we would love it for someone to be able to know what it is we’re feeling, the fact of the matter is that people can’t be intuitive and we shouldn’t expect them to be. That antiquated trope of playing coy and trying to placate everyone is dead and gone. You have a voice, use it. I understand that you don’t want to be difficult or seem like you are hard to deal with, but at the same time if you never say how you feel, show who you really are and you never feel comfortable doing so, then why are you doing it? Grinning and bearing things that don’t sit well with us and trying to be the “perfect” partner isn’t progressive. Again, I write this not as a reprieve, but as a way to also remind myself, because I am constantly trying to go out of my way for someone to like me or to simply to get that badge, but sometimes, it simply is what it is. Often times, what I have found is that in the moments where you have been fearful to say how you truly feel, it is in those moments where you create a connection and in some ways a deeper bond than you had previously. So, take the risk, be brave and say how you feel, worst case it’s awcks but at the very least you got it off of your chest and no one can blame you for not being open and honest.
I get it, you’re probably tired of hearing me say this, yet again. But, I don’t only say it to you, I say it for myself. Mostly because this was/is always my biggest issue, so as part of holding myself accountable and being honest about my tendencies, here you are reading about them again. You can’t be everything for everyone, and in order to find what you are looking for you have to have some sort of structure in place in order to be able to best identify when said thing isn’t working for you. This is just as relevant/important at the beginning of a relationship, as it is during. What we want can change, we ourselves change- there is nothing wrong in reassessing that and knowing where your boundaries lie. I know for myself, the qualities I was looking for in a partner in my 20’s is nowhere near what I am looking for now. The person I was in my 20’s, is nowhere near the person I am now. I know myself more, I can be honest about what I bring to the table, I can be open about what my faults and triggers are and I am confident enough to know that if it isn’t enough for someone then I don’t have to take it personally, I don’t have to force it and I can simply move on. I am way too grown for all of the drama in between. People can fully miss me with all of that!