Eros, Philia, Storge & Agape– are some of the different classifications for the love we all may experience in our life time, they are not all that we are- but they make up the tapestry of our lives. We spend so much of our lives chasing eros love, losing sight of all of the love were are surrounded by, so this week on the blog, I wanted to explore the validity of the idea that we are all meant to be seeking out a romantic partner into our lives. Read along with me.
I have been giving romance and love a lot of thought lately and trying to re-shift the way I approach it, but also dig deeper into what I am looking for when it comes to love and finding a long term partner. And while I accept that romantic love will not happen for everyone and everyone’s journey is very different, it got me thinking about whether or not we place far too much emphasis on romantic love and not enough on all of the other types of love we encounter throughout our lives.
First, know your worth, second, control your emotions and third never settle.
Man = Fulfilment?
As women, we have been conditioned to believe that if we don’t attain the atypical Hallmark romantic love, that in some way our lives are incomplete or that we are missing out on something. As if all of the successes in the world would still mean nothing if we have no one waiting for us at home. But while watching one of the most recent episodes of Red Table Talk, where various relationship experts attended and another with former monk Jay Shetty; they raised some very interesting and eye opening points. Throughout our lives, if we are lucky we get to experience many types of love in various intensities; be it the love for a parent, a pet, a best friend, a child, extended family- our love changes and adapts depending on the time or the need. When we look back at our lives, does this mean it isn’t rich or with meaning if we don’t have a romantic partner? Is their existence the be and end all of our lives? This really blew me away, especially because we spend so much time thinking about all of the things we like and in some cases, do not like- but we don’t stop to think about the things we currently have. As they are. All of the already full, complete relationships we have in our lives the ones which add value, support us and the ones we cannot live without. These are the ones which matter, these are the ones which have shaped us. We shouldn’t be diminishing their value simply because they are plutonic. Even if our lives never experience love on a romantic level, it doesn’t mean our lives lack love.
I fully understand and sometimes definitely support not bothering when it comes to finding love and giving up all together. But what I have begun to realize is that I am slowly but surely locking away my heart. I feel it happening and I am not entirely sure how to stop it… I feel like with every heartbreak, the wounds are not only in the process of healing, but they’re also callosing over, making it difficult for the next person. It’s hard not to get disheartened, to stay encouraged and wait for it to happen, but how can you not when you realize just how much your life doesn’t rely on their existence. I am a parent, so a lot of my time is spent parenting, my needs are usually at the bottom of the list and that being said, I am fully autonomous. I do not rely on a male in order to make ends meet or in order to get things done around the house- I simply get stuck in. I in no way mean that I do not want a partner or that they will not be able to offer me anything, what I mean is that my existence doesn’t rely on it. I am whole without, and if said person cannot add value to my life or show me what I have been missing, then they ain’t it.
Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.Mandy Hale
Is There A One & Only?
Is there such a thing as having one singular romantic love? One person who will fulfill all of your needs in their entirety? Is that humanly possible? Can I be that for someone and can they be that for me? Really, really? It’s not that I am becoming a cynic or that I don’t believe in love, it’s more that I no longer subscribe to the idea that we have a single twin soul floating around on this over populated planet. The fact that people are able to have deep, transformative love, lose this love through tragedy or loss and then are able to find love again; it may be different, but it’s love nonetheless. And it certainly doesn’t dimish the previous love, they all make up the tapestry of who we are. Similar to the saying that says some people come into our lives for a season, a lifetime or a reason. I was with who I thought was the love of my life for 13 years, no one knew me like he did ( or so I thought ), so much of my identity was wrapped up in us, in our love story that maybe along the way, I believed too much of the hype and not so much the reality. Of course, I cannot knock it because it gave me the greatest gift, my daughter, but it also taught me a lot about myself, but our breakup taught me so much more. If I were to be faced with the possibility to do it all over again, I would ( I might do it sooner, but I still wouldn’t change the outcome ). Because, I can be loved, flaws and all. I can be attractive to another, I can open up. I can be myself, I can share my hopes and fears and someone will love me for all that I am, in all of my complexities. That I know for sure.