I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me Pt 10: Pleasure

Full disclosure, I began this post abut a year ago and then self-doubt kicked in and I shelved it. But, I knew I still wanted to publish this, I was just worried about how people would take it or how it would “go down”, but if I’m being honest- I’ve stopped caring. So, lucky for you, you’re getting to read this post, I hope it was worth the self-doubt. This week, we venture into a topic we definitely avoid on the blog; pleasure, in particular your own pleasure.

Know Your Body

I was having a pretty honest conversation with someone about the type of “lover” I have developed into, and it got me thinking about my relationship with my body. Though in my 20’s I probably had the body that everyone would think was ideal, I never really saw myself as attractive, let alone sexy. Because of this, I didn’t really know what gave me pleasure and certainly didn’t know how to show someone what made me tick. I should preface this with the fact that pretty much all of my 20’s was spent with the same partner and maybe because we met online, the physical aspect of our relationship was secondary to our connection due to the distance. I guess while most people spend their 20’s exploring themselves sexually, I most definitely didn’t have a partner who was interested in that either; so I suppose, looking back it was a lot of autopilot. Most of our intimacy was focused on me giving pleasure and not so much accepting, mostly because in some ways, I didn’t know what I liked. The shift really came after I had my daughter, my relationship within myself changed, I felt like a stranger in my body and it had changed so much that I felt detached from it. As time progressed and I suppose I re-shifted my focus and fell back in love with just who I was, it unlocked a new love for my body and I was blossoming into exploring my desires. It’s interesting how the journey of figuring out who I was aside from being a mom, helped pushed me to where I am. Not all of my activities were sexual, I did more things that made me happy, I explored my hobbies, I saw my friends more, but they all impacted my pleasure in many different ways. If that’s part of it, pleasure isn’t a dirty word and it shouldn’t only mean physical/sexual pleasure. It should also mean the things which put a smile on our face, the things which bring us joy, what fulfils us. Because I was filling up my own well. I began to feel more comfortable advocating for myself because I was tapped into her. I started to know me again.

Don’t Let Anyone Shame You

This is of course linked to the below paragraph, but I felt it needed its own section, mostly because one of the reasons I didn’t press publish on this post previously was because of shame. Again, everyone has their own comfort levels and have their own trajectory and journey, mine isn’t yours and yours isn’t mine- that’s the beauty of it. So don’t let someone else’s opinions change or cloud your own judgement, only you know what you truly desire and that should be and remain authentic to you. I don’t know if it’s from growing up with religion or the fact that sometimes I still think like I am under said thumb, I fail to realize that I am the master of my own ship. I was concerned about the way this post would go down or what people would think of me, but at the end of the day- I am a 38 year old woman. I am fully independent. I am a single parent to an intelligent, well-balanced daughter. I pay my own bills. I am a small business owner. I am a creative, I am a lover and an advocate. So, God forbid I have sexual desires? Please, miss me with that. Wherever you are in your journey of self-discovery, be it mentally, creatively or sexually- do not ever let anyone shame you. Don’t let anyone try to change you or tell you that your desires are not valid, there is always something we can learn, levels we can explore. The journey is never finished. Do you, do the things which will expand you, things which will challenge you, things which bring you joy. What others think about you is not your concern and at the end of the day, you are only starving yourself of experiences, so have fun and let them talk- it really doesn’t matter anyway.

Own It Girl

In my 20’s a lot of my focus was simply in giving pleasure; so much of pleasure is centred around the male orgasm, while female pleasure is pipped like a mystery, a lock with a million different keys or downright impossible. Looking back, I felt bad if my partner was making an attempt and failing, but I wasn’t comfortable advocating for what worked for me. Mostly because I didn’t know myself. I hadn’t really tried. I am one of the countless women who faked orgasms as a way to soften the blow and not bruise their ego. I know I am not alone, the lack of a plateau tends to hold a lot more weight. But in my 38 years of age, what I can now tell you is that a truly engaged partner, one who is not solely interested in their own pleasure, but also yours will invest the time. They will communicate, they will pick up on your body’s cues, they will actively work toward your satisfaction. So lying to yourself or your partner won’t help anyone, because it won’t contribute to you learning about your pleasure. If we understand that communication within a relationship is important- it’s equally as important when it comes to intimacy. Especially when it comes to your boundaries, and let me tell you, people will 100% attempt to push those boundaries. So knowing what you do or don’t like, and what you’re open to explore is key and also feeling safe and secure to say so and to stop it if it’s going south. You also need to know that at any time, you can change your mind in any direction. It is your body and only you can advocate for it, no matter what the subject is. So, if someone isn’t respecting your boundaries and instead are trying to change your mind….run. Your boundaries should ALWAYS be respected.