Don’t get me wrong, I am a hopeless romantic, but I would never tell you that! I love a good love story like the next person, I just sometimes wonder if I am anxiously dead on the inside. So this week on the blog, I direct the reasons why I believe I have difficulties allowing myself to be loved, have a read…
To be loved and love at the highest countAdele Lyrics “To Be Loved”
Means to lose all the things I can’t live without
Let it be known that I will choose to lose
It’s a sacrifice but I can’t live a lie
Let it be known, let it be known that I tried
Not knowing and feeling my worth/value. Making myself small in order to please someone else, hiding parts of myself so that I came across “easy” and appealing, was how I thought I needed to be so that I didn’t end up single again. But I realize now that this all came from my deep ( warped ) desire to be liked and me struggling with my lack of worthiness. I felt like this person was doing me a favour dating me, because I was a single mother, so I had no choice to accept the crumbs he threw in my direction, because I didn’t have space to complain. “Beggars must not be choosers”, but what I realized over time, is the fact that I am not begging and I shouldn’t have to. You are worthy on your own, in all that you are, your flaws, your imperfections and you internal beauty. If someone isn’t able to see that, then the issue is them- not a lack of worthiness on your part. They weren’t your person, that is it; and it’s not that you need to change yourself to suit them. Someone should never make you feel less worthy and at the end of the day, you need to know that you are worth all of it. Everyone is worthy of love and a life full of hope and laughter and in no way, does your past, the older version of yourself or anyone stand in the way of that. Whether it’s because of failed attempts or lack of self-confidence, the way we approach dating and ourselves in relationships has to shift. Your worth just is, whether someone doesn’t see or appreciate it, at the end of the day, your worthiness doesn’t diminish because of that, if anything it strengthens, because you realize you don’t need other people’s approval or have to convince them otherwise- the right people/person will find you, but also don’t spend your time waiting for said person to see your value, move it along if they do not- you will find your tribe, whomever you should choose them to be.
Stating What You Want
I think there is some sort of silent societal idea that as single parent you’re supposed to take the crumbs thrown to you or you are not supposed to either be picky or even state what you want when it comes to relationships because your choices are limited from jump. I’ve also realize that everyone assumes you’re looking for a serious relationship, simply because you are a parent- because you know parents can’t be single and enjoy themselves… Part of the idea of thinking small, means you are less likely to actually state what you would like. But I am here to tell you stating is exactly what you should be doing. If you looking for something simple, casual and non-comital- say it. If you are looking for a steady relationship, state it. It’s genuinely that simple. Trust me, it can be scary, especially if you want to be likeable, but the fact of the matter is- not everyone will like you and who actually cares?!?! Do you even like you? Good. What I have also noticed from experience, is the right person will find your assertiveness and clarity as attractive. A woman who know what she wants is extremely appealing and sexy. So, work on you for you- but don’t be scared to stake your claim. Be it romantically or otherwise. All that really actually matters, if you utmost happiness and the rest is simply white noise.
I radiate goddess energy. I am divine. I am a luxury. I am a dream girl.
Let Go Of The Controls
When I first became single, I met it with a mixture of excitement and apprehension, because for the life of me- I couldn’t imagine myself starting again and with a whole mini human no less. I will be fully transparent, I can hold conversation with many people and this was the initial appeal of dating- just getting to meet new people and expand my social circle was how I approached it. My triggers and toxic traits didn’t come flooding to the surface at the beginning, it was only when I began a serious relationship when my fears or aversions began to flare up and my overthinking mind ran completely away from me! Of course hindsight is 20/20 and there are somethings that I realized I could have done to help myself, but that’s for another post. That being said, when feelings began to go deeper and I found myself shutting down or even running away or explaining away my feelings. I would minimize them, tell myself all of the reasons I was blowing it way out of proportion or that I was making a small gesture into someone much bigger. I simply couldn’t take their feelings at face value, and don’t even get me started on compliments, god forbid someone would tell me just how great I was and how happy they were to know me. All of this, stemmed from me not seeing my own worth and also not accepting the fact that I can’t and shouldn’t control someone’s feelings for me. Who was I to reduce it, who was I to tell them what they were feeling wasn’t real? Why was it so unfathomable for me to think or believe that someone could actually fall in love with me?! It’s because I didn’t feel worthy of it; in order to fall in love with someone and really build a deep connection, you have to feel safe to do so. Trust that the person you are developing feelings for, cares for you and thus they want you to get to know you at your deepest level. In order to do this, you have to try, you have breakthrough the fear and the feelings of doubt and self-sabotage. Because for me, my fear wasn’t because I didn’t want to be in a relationship or that I didn’t want to be in love, it was the very opposite, I was simply scared to be betrayed or for my feelings to be misplaced in yet another person who would let me down. But, the only way to know is to try and the only way to try is to dive fully, head first into all your feelings, because at the end of they day- of course you are lovable and of course you deserve love.